It started out
by Moonrays and fridays
Summary: There was so much she had wanted to say: apologise for meeting someone who made her happy, thank him for saving the world again, scream at him for always trying to be such a Big Damn Hero. It had been so innocent in the beginning...SJ


**AN: Okay, I may be totally over estimating my standing in my lil corner of cyber space, but to those who do read my stuff, im sorry i haven't updated. My exams start next week andI haventhad a chance.**

**I just found this lil snippet, soI hope it will keep any insanereaders (IfI have an insane fan out there,I heart you!) happy. Thanks!**

**As always, reviews are loved, but not demanded. **

**AN2: Also, if anyone has any ideas for a short storytheyd like me to write,I need the practice, and am out of inspiration...**

It started out...

It had been innocent in the beginning, she was sure. It had been a long time of course, but with them, it was just another tradition, like Teal'c's Star Wars obsession, or Daniel's tendency to be a geek extraordinare. But she couldn't help feeling that this time was different, that it might be the last one. The last time she would show how it felt to be still stuck on that side of the invisible wall, metaphorically this time.

The first time had been after Antartica. It was so far from what it was now that it almost didn't count. They had spent a week in Dr Fraiser's care, and perhaps, she wonders, that was more of a relationship building excercise than anything they went through under the ice.  
They had their meals together, talked occasionally, although about nothing in particular; what they'd do when they got out, why Danny needed new meds for his allergies, and what films Teal'c just _had_ to watch. They understood the injury, and so falling asleep in the middle of card games was accepted.

But a week later on downtime was when it first started. She went to see him. To ask how he was. Just to check that he was alright. To show that she cared about whether he lived or died. That he was her teacher, and she really wanted him to stick around. She cared.

And that was it. He was surprised but welcomed the company, and they sat drinking a beer and watching the game. It was comfortable back then, she realises, bemused. It was like watching a reel of their lives, and she is fascinated by the ambiguity of it all.

The next time, she supposes, is when he had all that ancient knowledge in his brain, and he was falling apart. There was no way for her to stop it, and once again, she went to him. This time it was a little harder to say, a little harder to believe that he was just her leader and she'd miss him.

It became : You're my friend andI need you.

And he just sat close to her on the bed in his quarters, and put his arm round her in a friendly gesture. They didn't say anything; he because the knowledge that would kill him was slowly unspooling in his mind, and her because there was nothing to say.

It happened again, each time they became a little closer. It went from: "I'd miss you" to "I care about you". From "I care." to "I need".

From "I need" to "I want"  
And now all there was to say was "I don't want to live without you."

The time after Edora had been interesting, slightly colder. But he sat silently beside her in her lab, looking straight ahead.

"Why are youhere Sir?" She asked civily, forever the good little soldier. Her hurt wasn't something that deserved a voice. She'd got him home, it was her job after all. And that was all there was to it.

"BecauseI want to be here." He enunciated obviously.

There was a moment of silent communication, where he pleaded and she relented. He put a hand over hers briefly on the table, and then nodded and left. The mission complete.

That was the first time he came to her.

The rest, after Maybourne and their "Paradise" and worst of all, "The Ancient Download 2: Return of the Sucky Head Thing", as he had christened it.

There was so much she had wanted to say then, to apolgise for meeting someone who made her happy, but not ecstatic. To thank him for saving the world again, for taking the knowledge that would help them. She wanted to scream at him for always trying to be such a Big Damn Hero and not caring about how she felt. How much she missed him, how, as much as she hated to admit the weakness, she couldn't function without him.

And now it was the last time she would do this. So like the others, full of unsaid things, but whereas every other time it would never have been enough, this time there was no more to be said.

There were words that had never been said at their goodbyes. There had been "I'm glad you're okay"'s. and "It should have been me"'s.

There were "I missed you"'s and "I can't do this alone" over the next few years, and even when SG1 disbanded, when a new superteam saved the world every week, he still managed to get into enough trouble to make her say goodbye. To prove herself.

He got shot, again, this time On-World. He drove drunk once after an argument. He got an infection when having knee surgery. The man attracted trouble. But then again, hadn't they all back then? Wasn't it part of what made their survival so charming?

And now the only words that needed to be said would be "I love you."

She thinks about the irony of it all. How even years later, those words have always appeared forbidden.

They've been used throughout their life. When he, albeit embarassedly proposed. When she bore his first daughter. When he had to go save Daniel from certain death in the Pegasus Galaxy. When they found out the Ori were coming. When the Ori were destroyed.

They will have their goodbye, and he will slip away into a gentle world where there is no more fighting or duty or luck. Samantha Carter mourns, when she knows all the words over the years come down to this moment. The real goodbye. The real "I'll miss you". The real "I want to save you butI don't know how."

Death never stood between them

Samantha Carter cries, and yet smiles in the knowledge that it won't be too long.

Their story was finishing.

And what a wonderful one it had been, she reflected silently, as she held her husband's hand in the hospital as he slowly drifted away.


End file.
